Wedding Bells are Ringing
by EvilFuzzy9
Summary: "That cry echoed in all of our hearts, a memory we will never forget." The Yorozuya gang goes out for lunch at a burger joint. Things rapidly escalate from there, in typical Gintama fashion.


**Wedding Bells Are Ringing**

A _Gintama_ crackwut

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

On a small blue planet called Earth, in a little solar system in the rim of the Milky Way, there was a most curious incident taking place...

It was in the nation of Zhipangu, _Yamato_, once known as "Samurai no Kuni"... in the sprawling city of Edo... in the redlight district of Kabukicho, in Shinjuku... where this most unusual and inexplicable event was about to take place.

It all started with a parfait.

Gintoki Sakata and his freeloading employee/surrogate little sister Kagura were seated at a booth in the local QuackDonalds restaurant that had just opened up in their area. The former had an irritable look on his face, drumming his fingers impatiently against their table's laminated surface. The latter was intermittently slurping a melange of every available soft drink from her large-sized cup.

..._large_ actually being the smallest size this establishment carried.

Gin sighed, a vein throbbing in his forehead.

"Oyyy," he muttered through grit teeth. "Where's that Patsuan with our food? No matter how you look at it, it shouldn't be taking him this long. Right?" He whined. "So where the hell is he?!"

"He's probably distracted ogling the cashier, aru," said Kagura blandly. "That dateless Pervpachi."

Gin's demeanor immediately changed. He leaned back in his seat, and stroked his chin.

"Ah, well now..." he said. "If it's something like that, then I can't really blame him... after all, it's only natural to stop and appreciate it when you see a cute girl. Especially if she's stacked. You know, _here_," he gestured to his chest, making as though he were holding a couple of coconuts.

Kagura gave him a baleful glance.

"You're even worse than him, Gin-chan," she said with a remarkably scornful tone. "Why don't you have a girlfriend yet, aru? We might be aging like Sazae-san or the Simpsons, but if we were aging in real time you'd be well over thirty, right? Anyway you look at it, Gin-chan should have gotten married ages ago. But now he's an old maid, and is gonna die alone with nobody but his cats for company, aru."

Gin glared at her, eye twitching. He made a face like a thug, casting his features in shadow and snarling.

"Ehhhhhh?" he said lowly. "You're pretty friggin' mouthy for just a cat."

"I'm a magic cat, aru," said Kagura without missing a beat.

"GIN-SAN CHOP!" snapped Gin, eyes blank white as he delivered the eponymous attack to the crown of Kagura's vermillion-locked head.

He might as well have tickled a brick wall.

Gin's eyes widened, his face paling.

A smashcut.

"Owowowow..." Gin whimpered, wincing as he cradled his poor, injured hand. Kagura was nonchalantly sipping her pop, completely unperturbed by Gin-san's blow.

He glowered at her.

"_Tch, if this is real-time_," he muttered, "_then shouldn't you be in your twenties by now? Why don't you have any breasts, Kagura-chan? Why have your boobs only gotten smaller?_" He said this under his breath, griping impotently to himself.

Kagura's ear twitched. Her eyes narrowed.

Quick as a flash, the Yato girl punched her employer in the arm. Something audibly went SNAP.

Gin-san screamed like a little girl.

"AHHHHH!" he cried, gingerly cradling the injured appendage. Tears were streaming from his eyes, and he was sniffling. "MY ARM!"

"Pfeh," scoffed Kagura, looking scornfully at the silver-haired samurai. "You should've thought about that before saying something so rude. It's inappropriate to talk about such things in the presence of a lady."

"On what planet would a beast like you be considered a lady?!" Gin wailed.

"Earth, aru," said Kagura blandly.

Tears were streaming down Gin's cheeks. His lower lip was trembling.

"Too mean, Kagura-chaaan..." he whined. "You're too mean... a lady shouldn't be so violent, you know?

"What about Ane-go?" inquired Kagura rhetorically. "And if that's your logic, then should you really be so hopeless and unreliable, Gin-chan? You know. As a man, aru."

"A man can be whatever the hell he wants, in this world!" Gin retorted tearfully. "I can stay at home reading Jump all day and no one will judge me for it! Because I'm a man, you know!? And that damn Tarzan bitch is no lady, you know!? That raised-by-gorillas woman isn't ladylike in any way, shape, or fashion! And I don't mean just temperament, you knooooow!?"

Kagura scoffed, looking away from him and making a face.

A tray was suddenly slammed down on their table, at that moment. Kagura and Gin nearly jumped out of their seats. Burgers flopped out of their wrappers and fries spread out all over everything. A frosty plastic cup wobbled precariously, threatening to spill.

"_What was that?_" came the growled words of Shinpachi Shimura, who had been carrying the tray with their food. A dark aura was surrounding him, and he had the kind of look on his face that you usually didn't see outside of his duties as president of the Otsu-chan First Imperial Guard.

The bespectacled young samurai cracked his knuckles, and rolled his neck, causing the vertebrae to audibly pop. Multiple veins bulged visibly out of his skin, on his forehead, in his cheek, on his arms and his fists. His teeth were bared, lips curled back in an expression that might have been like a smile, if there had been any warmth or human compassion at all visible in it.

"Huh?" said Gin nervously. His face was chalk white, looking up at the visibly, obviously pissed off Shinpachi. In spite of everything he had done in the past, the man could not ever recall the young man directing an expression of such sheer contempt and loathing at him before. He was sweating bullets, hands trembling with nerves. "Um. What? Hello Patsuan," he said, babbling a little bit. "Nice weather we're having today, isn't it...?"

Shinpachi snapped, and he slammed his left hand down on the table. Despite the piece of furniture being triple bolted to the restaurant floor, he still managed to make the table tip up a few inches.

"CUT THE CRAP!" he snarled.

Gin-san, however, was preoccupied.

"My parfait...!" he yelped, seeing the cup holding his delicious and sugary dairy treat looking about ready to tip. Desperately, the man lunged out with his one remaining good arm to grab the plastic cup before it could spill its contents all over the table.

He completely ignored Shinpachi's ire, instead letting his bad arm flop uselessly to the side as he cradled his parfait in its stead.

"Don't worry, baby," cooed the borderline manic ex-patriot in an allegedly comforting manner to his thoroughly inanimate dessert. "Everything is gonna be alright, sweetie... you're with Gin-san now... and he'll take good care of you, oh yes he will..." the man whispered in a distinctly Gollum-ish manner. "We's takes good cares of the preciousss, yesssss..."

He caressed the plastic cup creepily.

Kagura, meanwhile, honed in on her burgers with all the precision of a smart bomb, grabbing several of the cheap and greasy beef sandwiches from the tray at random, without so much as a care in the world as far as the matter of to whom they actually belonged.

"Food, aru!" she squealed delightedly, pigging out in a way that only a shonen protagonist could. "Eeeeee!" she gushed, greedily scarfing down one burger after the other. "Patsuan's_ sooo _much more reliable than Gin-chan, nowadays! Ever since he got that second job, aru." Crumbs and bits of half-chewed cow byproducts flew disgustingly from her mouth. "He's even treating us to lunch!" she cheered, rudely talking with her mouth full.

Gintoki ignored her, still muttering sweet nothings to his tooth-rotting paramour.

Shinpachi blushed a little, though, his dark mood quickly passing at the compliment from his friend. He smiled a little softly at Kagura.

"Well, I did need the extra money," he said, scratching the back of his neck and looking distinctly flattered. "As a man, it will be my responsibility to support my wife once I get married, after all!"

Gin snorted, making a face. His cheeks bulged comically for a moment, before he let out an uproarious laugh.

"Hahahaha!" he guffawed, pointing and laughing at the brown-haired Jimmy. "But that's probably years off for you, isn't it Shinpachi?" he jeered. "You don't even have a girlfriend, after all! You dateless Pervpachi!" he crowed, echoing Kagura's earlier comment.

The Yato girl stared at Gin strangely, though.

"Eh?" she said, cocking her head quizzically to one side. "Gin-chan, have you forgotten?"

Gin blinked, discombobulated by the abrupt change in atmosphere.

"Huh...?" he said slowly, still petting his parfait. "Forgotten what?"

Shinpachi sighed longsufferingly.

"The Correspondence Arc, Gin-san..." he muttered, adjusting his glasses. The lenses flashed in the dully humming fluorescent lights of QuackDonalds. "Don't you remember Kirara?"

"Eh?" said Gin. "Sheesh, that was years ago, Shinpachi. All the way back in season three, for the anime. Nobody reading Jump has that long an attention span. And so what?"

Shinpachi's left eye twitched.

"_So_," he said slowly, "Kirara and I just so happen to be going steady. We started dating a couple years back."

He adjusted his glasses again, and this time Gin noticed something.

"Huh?" said the wavy haired ronin, paling a little. "Wha...wha...what's that...?" he asked shakily, pointing at a glint of flashing gold on Shinpachi's finger.

His _ring_ finger.

"This?" said Shinpachi. "It's my engagement ring."

Gin's jaw dropped. His eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. All the blood drained from his face. He stared mutely, uncomprehendingly, completely and utterly dumbstruck.

Kagura smiled, however.

"Ohh?" she said, beaming at Shinpachi. "So you finally popped the question? It's about time, aru."

Shinpachi smiled. His cheeks were dusted faintly pink, his eyes crinkled shut. He scratched the back of his neck, looking almost sheepish.

"Haha, yeah..." he said. "Well, I wanted to wait for the right moment... but after dating for so long, it seemed to just happen real naturally. You know? It came up on its own, so to speak."

Kagura quirked an eyebrow.

"And she really said _yes?_"

Shinpachi laughed. "If she didn't, would I be wearing this ring?" he asked rhetorically, pointing to his finger.

Kagura joined him in his laughter.

"No, I guess not, aru!" she conceded cheerfully.

Gin stared at the two, gobsmacked.

"Eh?" he muttered weakly. "What's this...?"

He stared, the rusted and sugarcoated gears in his brain grinding noisily as they worked their way agonizingly slowly to the inevitable conclusion.

Gin blinked, finally finding his voice.

"EHHHHHHH?!" he exclaimed, jumping up out of his seat and pointing at his two employees, who were chatting warmly. "WAIT! HOLD IT! HOLD IT JUST A GODDAMN SECOND!" he demanded with a faintly wild look in his eye. "WHAT'S THIS?! WHAT'S PATSUAN DOING GETTING MARRIED!? OI, OI, OI, ARE YOU REALLY THAT EAGER TO KILL YOUR LOVE LIFE?! YOU'RE WAY TOO YOUNG TO BE GETTING MARRIED, BRAT!"

Shinpachi gave Gin a baleful look, eyes half-lidded. His glasses flashed.

"Sixteen is the age of consent, in most parts of Japan," he said. "And besides that, even if we age like Sazae-san or the Simpsons, in real life I'd be in my twenties by now! That's right around the time a guy should start thinking about settling down, isn't it?"

Gin stared at Shinpachi. He was pale as a ghost and sweating bullets.

"Y-yeah... okay..." he stammered, speaking slowly at first. "But... what are you doing getting married, Patsuan...?" he asked. His expression then seemed to darken a little, dead fish eyes becoming wild and manic. "Are you trying to make me look bad?" he demanded to know. "Are you trying to make me and Kagura-chan look like old maids, dammit?!"

Kagura huffed, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Old maid _yourself_, aru," she said. "I'll have you know that I'm seeing a nice young man with plenty of money and looks. Why, he makes this old lady feel positively young again, aru~" she cooed, wiggling in her seat and blushing, hands clasped to her cheeks. She was speaking like a middle-aged woman.

Gin stared at her blankly, his eyes cast in shadow. It was silent for a single, painful moment.

Then the man spoke.

"Eh... eh?" he said, weakly, his voice a little high pitched and squeaky. "Eh? What? Is... is Gin-san really the only member of Odd Jobs that's not in a relationship...? Wait, isn't that backwards?" he said, feeling strangely alone, right then. "It's odd, isn't it? That I'm the only Yorozuya not currently involved with anyone?"

"It's your own fault for waiting so long, Gin-san," said Shinpachi with a shrug. "Goodness knows you've had plenty of chances... Goku was engaged before he even turned eighteen, after all. But you're well over twenty, Gin-san, and yet the closest you've ever come to being involved in a serious relationship, for as long as I've known you, was just part of an intervention..."

Gin twitched. His cheeks turned a little green. He whimpered quietly, shuddering a tad at the memories this brought up.

"D-don't remind me... ugh..." he groaned.

"Besides, Gin-chan," added Kagura, chewing on the last of the burgers. "Even Krillin and Bulma were married by the time _Dragonball_ ended, aru. As far as a Jump manga goes, at your age you should already have a wife and a little brat back at home, Gin-chan."

Gin twitched a little more.

"Ah?" he said. "Now that I think about it, it is a little odd. Isn't it? That I've never gotten involved with anyone, I mean." He shook his head, looking distinctly pale. "O-of course, the protagonist of a Jump manga can't exactly be seen having a casual sexual encounter, but couldn't that gorilla author at least imply some kind of past lover? Or even let me hook up with one of my love interests?

"That's not too much to ask, right...? To get myself a girlfriend or, heck, even a nice, cute young wife to wait for me at home in a naked apron? It would only be natural for a man of my age, even in a gag manga... I mean, Luffy has that Boa Hancock character hanging off of him... her, and a whole island of amazons..."

Gintoki twitched. He clenched a fist, looking pissed.

"GODDAMMIT!" he roared miserably. "Why are the abstinent heroes the ones getting all the ladies, oy? Why don't you send some nice hooters this way, you ungrateful bastaaards!?" he bitched. "Like Ichigo and Naruto! They act like they aren't even interested in girls half the time, but they've both still at least got a big-boob moe-blob and a flat-chest tsundere with the hots for them! Dammit! When's it gonna be Gin-san's turn, huh?" he moaned. "When will Gin-san find his Chichi? Because Gin-san would really friggin' like some nice Chichi of his own to kiss and cuddle and have puff puff fun with...!"

"Hey..." muttered Shinpachi, interrupting Gin's rant. His right eye was twitching, and he looked thoroughly unimpressed. "...anyway I look at it, you're just talking about breasts, aren't you?"

The bespectacled samurai-in-training snapped, picking up the by-now-emptied tray and throwing it at his mentor's head.

"You freaking pervert!" he hollered. "There's way more to women than just boobs, dammit!"

Gin peeled the tray off his face, laughing weakly. He smiled sheepishly at Patsuan.

"Well, of course," he said. "I mean, there's also their thighs, and ankles, and butts... of course, you can't forget the small of their back... and there's always the pus—"

Shinpachi silenced the man with a punch to the mouth.

Kagura glared disdainfully at her employer.

"Tch. It's no wonder Gin-chan can't get a girl, aru," she muttered darkly. "If that's all he sees in women."

She spat on Gin's shirt, then. Shinpachi mirrored her actions, hocking a loogie into Gin's parfait.

The two of them walked out of the restaurant, grumbling mutinously.

Gin stared at their backs with a blank look on his face.

"Eh?" he said. "Eh? Where are you guys going? What? Was it something I said? Huh?"

* * *

**OMAKE: Terminal**

He then looked down at the table.

All the food was gone.

Gin paled.

"Excuse me, Sir," came the voice of an employee. "I'm sorry, but your check appears to have bounced." The rather pretty brunette waitress handed Gin the check Shinpachi had written.

'_Get a life, Gin-san_' was written on it in lieu of a signature. In place of a monetary amount was scrawled '_or we're cutting you off_.'

The cute, bespectacled waitress smiled at Gin apologetically. "We're sorry, Sir, but you will have to pay in cash. Our restaurant does not accept out-of-prefecture checks."

Gin blinked.

He glanced again at the check, which had a doodle of disapproving Kagura and Shinpachi chibis just under the bank logo.

_W...W...WAIT JUST A MINUTE!_ he thought. _RATHER THAN THAT, ISN'T THERE SOMETHING WAY MORE __**OBVIOUSLY**__ WRONG WITH THIS CHECK...?!_

Out loud though, he said with a tremulous voice.

"Um... uh... well, sis... the thing is, you see... ah, my employee was the one treating me to lunch... that was his check. I didn't come here with any money." He gave the lovely, vaguely familiar waitress a weak grin. "But... ah, maybe Gin-san here could make it up to you...?" he wondered. "You must be pretty lonely, working here all alone, babe..."

The girl's glasses glinted dangerously in the light.

"Hmmm?" she said. "What's this? Is Gin-san hitting on me?" she asked rhetorically, raising a hand to adjust her bifocals.

Gin noticed a ring on her finger.

It was identical to Shinpachi's.

"Ah?" he said, sweating bullets. "K...K...Kirara...chan...? Is that... you...? Ahh, my apologies... in that uniform, you looked so beautiful that I didn't recognize you..."

He paused.

"Huh?" he said. "No, wait. More than that, what's a rich, hikikomori girl like you doing working a part time job at a place like this?"

Kirara smiled brightly.

"Oh? Didn't you know, Gintoki? My family owns the QuackDonalds chain. I'm working my way up to CEO."

Gin blinked.

"Eh?" he said. "Ehhhh?! Up to CEO all the way from cashier...?! No, anyway you look at it, wouldn't that take years...?"

Kirara smiled.

"Ah?" she said. "But Urara-chan only started working here three months ago, and she's already district manager."

Gin blinked again.

"EHHHHH?!" he exclaimed. "IS NEPOTISM REALLY THAT POWERFUL?! And, wait! Why are we dragging this out? We had a good point to end the fic on a while back ago, so why's it still going with this meaningless chatter? It's just overstaying its welcome, now."

Kirara smiled.

"Well..." she said. "...I suppose one could argue... that our adventure is only just beginning~!"

"Ah," said Gin-san, nodding and smiling. "There. That should do well enough, as far as lines to end on."

He then blinked.

"Eh? Wait!" he exclaimed, remembering the alleged plot of the fic. "No! What about my love life?! Am I really gonna be a bachelor forever?!"

Kirara smiled. Turning her back, she began walking into the sunset.

"The fate of this world..." she murmured enigmatically. "...I think I feel safe, entrusting it to you... Gintoki...! Go forth... and live your life standing tall!"

Gin stared.

"Eh?" he said. "What's this? Why are we suddenly trying to make this seem like a dramatic ending? What's a oneshot character like you doing giving such a meaningful sounding farewell?! You only appeared in one arc, goddammit! You were just some token love interest for Patsuan, right?! And you haven't even gotten a single mention since then, right?!"

Kirara laughed.

"Ah... the blue skies of Edo... I'm glad I could see them, one last time..." she said wistfully, gazing off into the clear blue sky.

"Huh? Hey! Don't go trying to wrap this series up by yourself! This is just a fanfic, right? You can't actually end the manga! And what kind of cheap ending would this be, anyways?! What, are you dying? Do you have tuberculosis or something?! Eh? Ehhhh?!"

Kirara turned her head, giving gin one last smile, before fading into the sunset.

"I really had fun... playing with all of you," she said. "I hope to see you there, Gin-san... on my wedding day..."

"Ehhh? And now you're trying to tie this back into the fic's original premise?!" exclaimed Gin disbelievingly. "Weak! This is way too flimsy a tie! Nobody will ever buy it! And for that matter, why does the author keep writing stories about shipping Shinpachi? They never get any hits, or reviews or favs or anything!"

He paused for a moment, thoughtful.

"Well, aside from _Odd Jobs Crack_, but that one's been up for a while...! Why can't he do another thing like _Caress the Moon_? That was a well-liked fic, right? It got a good amount of feedback, riiiiight?!"

Kirara vanished in the sunlight, leaving Gin alone in a grassy plain.

"Hey!" he shouted. "Wait! Wait just a goddamn minute! Weren't we in a burger restaurant? Where the hell are we now? Where am I? HOW AM I GONNA GET HOOOOOOOME?!" he howled to the sun.

Hasegawa took a drag of a cigarette next to him.

"You just... gotta keep on walking 'til you get there..." he said, not looking at Gin. Smoke wafted from his lips and light glinted off of his sunglasses. "...even if your feet fall off, you just gotta keep going straight with your head held high, until you finally get to where you're going."

Gin twitched.

He clenched a fist.

He spun and punched Hasegawa right in the kisser, eyes narrowed and glaring like daggers. He laid the smoking bum out flat with one blow.

"LIKE HELL I'M GONNA LET YOU GO OUT SOUNDING COOL, YOU MADAO BASTAAAARD!"

That cry echoed in all of our hearts, a memory we will never forget.

* * *

A/N: Like _Sum Seventeen_, this is another oneshot I did a full out rough draft for. Even though that fic still has yet to get a single fav or review. Haha, oy, is Patsuan really so unpopular...? XD

Hehe... it's been a while since I've written something this flat out crazy, though. Very nostalgic, actually. It reminds me of my earliest days writing fanfiction, a little bit...

**Updated:** 2-24-14

**TTFN and R&R!**

– — ❤


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